
ATTENTION – CERTAINS PROPOS PEUVENT CHOQUER LES PLUS JEUNES D’ENTRE VOUS. VOUS VOILA PRÉVENUS !
Depuis maintenant plus d’un an, un fléau s’est abattu sur Gameblog. Un fléau d’une telle violence que la folie s’empara totalement de la communauté et causa une guerre thermo nucléaire sur l’interwoueb moderne en Juillet 2012. Après de nombreuses pertes, la paix revint et la vie reprit son cours. Mais le 06 Janvier 2013, le chaos refit surface… plus fort que jamais. L’origine du monde (et peut être même de l’Univers) fut révélée aux yeux de tous et causa la mort de nombreux blogueurs. Certains survécurent par miracle et préférèrent quitter la planète Gameblog, tant qu’il en était écore temps, pour aller se réfugier en lieu sur. Au cours de leur voyage, ils découvrirent une nouvelle planète qui semblait habitable et hospitalière. Son nom : GameurZ.fr. Ils firent leurs colonies à cet endroit en espérant de tout coeur que ce fléau que l’on nommait Watdafuck ne les poursuivrait pas jusqu’ici.
Et si t’as, raté les autres Watdafuck, pas d’inquiétude jeune internaute. De nombreuses archives ont été conservées sur GameurZ.fr. Il te suffit donc de cliquer ici pour y avoir accès.
Comme beaucoup d’entre vous, j’ai joué au dernier Tomb Raider et j’ai apprécié ce jeu. Peut être pas au même point que Tétris mais dans l’ensemble, ce reste un bon jeu d’action aventure. Cependant, je suis sûrement le seul d’entre vous à avoir remarqué certaines choses qui m’ont légèrement dérangées. Et c’est pourquoi je vais partager tout cela avec vous, afin que vous sachiez toute la vérité sur le titre de Crystal Dynamics. Plus jamais vous ne verrez Tomb Raider et Lara Croft de la même manière…
La première chose qui m’a troublée, ce fut de voir la jeune Lara, toute frêle, encore innocente et totalement pure devenir peu à peu au fur et à mesure du jeu une tueuse aguerrie. Bon peut être que d’un côté, c’est logique, vu ce que la pauvre traverse au cours du jeu… mais quand même. Quelque chose n’était pas logique. Et je m’en suis rendu compte lorsqu’un des ennemis morts… ne l’était pas vraiment.
J’ai donc appris de la bouche de Raymond, notre survivant, qu’il n’était qu’un acteur comme tous ceux présents sur cette île. Apparemment Lara aurait eu une lubie un jour et a décidé de devenir une héroïne de jeux vidéo. Tout ceci aurait été donc une énorme simulation pour lui permettre d’atteindre son rêve. Mais pourquoi ? Qui a planifié tout ça ? Et comment ? C’est ce que j’ai essayé de savoir avec mon équipe (mon ornithorynque et Kyu si vous suivez mes aventures).
Je pensais aussi qu’à la base Tomb Raider était un jeu d’action aventure mais que nenni ! S’il y a un Pegi18 sur la boîte ce n’est pas pour sa violence ou certains séquences un peu choquantes mais bel et bien parce qu’il s’agit d’un hentai caché. La preuve.
En tout cas, si ce n’est pas vraiment le cas, c’est tout ce que j’ai retenu de ce titre…
J’ai appris un peu plus tard qu’il s’agissait d’exercices pratiques que lui avait donné son professeur de « Fan Service », un cours très important lorsque l’on souhaite devenir héroïne de jeux vidéo. Et puis soudain, tout m’est revenu en tête… J’avais été son professeur (oui j’étudiais le vol grâce à l’hélicobite ou l’hélicoboobs mais peu de gens étaient destinés à ce type de déplacement et du coup ma section a été supprimée) et même bien plus que ça. J’ai mis un certain temps à m’en rendre compte, d’une part car ce n’est pas la première élève avec qui j’ai eu une relation (Samus Aran et Faith pourront vous le confirmer) et d’autre part car avec ma vie totalement overbookée c’est dur de se souvenir de ce qu’on a pu faire. Mais tout est revenu quand Lara a craqué en plein milieu de sa mission.
Quelle jolie image avec une grosse métaphore phallique quand même…
Et comme tout m’est revenu en tête, je me suis rappelé de ce qu’elle m’avait confié un soir sur l’oreiller. A la base, elle n’était pas une aventurière ni une archéologue et RIEN, je précise bien sur le rien, ne la prédestinait à une telle carrière. Surtout vu comment elle était conne quand on s’est connu. Elle avait fait quelques apparitions dans Léa Passion Cuisine et Léa Passion Ménage mais sa carrière ne se serait jamais lancée après de tels stages. Alors qu’elle allait entamer un énième stage pour Léa Passion Machine à laver, elle me confia qu’elle aspirait à un plus grand avenir, remplis de tombeaux, de trésors et d’aventure. Elle me demanda, en tout bien tout honneur et sans m’avoir influencé sexuellement avant, si je pouvais la recommander pour le cursus Action & Aventure qui était il faut le dire très select à l’époque. Elle avait l’air sincère, du coup je lui ai dit que si elle me ramenait un scoop tellement énorme que le monde en tremblerait, alors oui, je ferai tout pour qu’elle arrive à réaliser son rêve.
C’est ainsi qu’elle est devenue une sorte d’espionne et qu’elle a découvert un énorme trafic dans une entreprise très prisée. Voici d’ailleurs ce qu’elle a découvert.
Cette histoire fit le tour du monde et je me suis un peu retrouvé comme un con lorsqu’elle est revenue vers moi avec toutes ses preuves. Grâce à cette toute première mission, elle avait acquis beaucoup d’assurance et une volonté de fer. Et rien ne pouvait la faire changer d’avis. Elle voulait être une femme forte, une héroïne de jeux vidéo et être reconnue comme telle. C’est pourquoi je l’ai conseillé au Docteur Whitman, avant de me rappeler que ce vieux schnock était un incapable fini.
Une fois ses études terminées et obtenu son doctorat en Jeux vidéo mention TB (T’es Baune), je lui ai rappelé de s’entraîner régulièrement ainsi que de se trouver un air et une allure de héros. Et d’après les photos que m’a ramené S.O.P. (même si j’ai été un peu déçu en découvrant les clichés), la petite Lara Croft a bien suivi mes conseils et était devenu une vraie femme pleine de charme et de caractère. Une nana badass quoi, celle qui plait au public.
Mais il restait encore une chose pour qu’elle devienne l’aventurière que l’on connait. Il fallait qu’elle soit une véritable héroïne, qu’elle connaisse la psychologie d’un héros, qu’elle soit mise en situation réelle pour se rendre compte que ce milieu est impitoyable et sans merci. C’est ainsi que je lui avais concocté une mission qui allait faire d’elle, la plus grande héroïne du monde du jeu vidéo. Enfin la plus grande… l’une des plus grandes. Les autres vont être jalouses sinon…
ATTENTION A TOI JEUNE LECTEUR (ET MOINS JEUNE), SI TU N’AS PAS ENCORE JOUÉ A TOMB RAIDER, TU T’EXPOSES A DE GRAVES SPOILS !
FUIS PENDANT QU’IL EST ENCORE TEMPS
JE T’AURAI PREVENU !
/ !\ SPOIL / !\
Et c’est ainsi que Lara devint Lara Croft. La prochaine fois, je vous raconterai pourquoi Mario a abandonné son job de plombier pour partir sauver une cruche enlevée régulièrement par une tortue mutante de Tchernobyl !
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