Depuis peu, je me suis mis enfin mis à la grande mode du générateur de cookies, le bien nommé Cookie Clicker ! A la base, il s’agissait d’un bête site en Javascript apparu sur le net en Août 2013 sur lequel il fallait cliquer sur un cookie géant pendant un certain nombre de fois afin d’acheter des aides permettant de produire automatiquement des cookies et de débloquer des upgrades. Le jeu fonctionnait tant que l’ordi était allumé (certains d’entre nous ont même laissé l’ordinateur allumé toute la nuit, n’est ce pas Tétris ?). Et quand on quittait, on perdait tout. Pour vous, j’ai testé la dernière version en date, la 1.0403 sur laquelle il y a eu moults updates. Et pour votre plus grand plaisir, j’ai recommencé une partie (oui je suis un peu maso… ou accro aux cookies, je ne sais plus).
LE COOKIE, CAY LA VIE !
Lorsque vous débarquez pour la première fois sur le site, vous avez 0 cookie. Là, vous ressentez, si vous êtes un humain normalement constitué, de la tristitude car une vie sans cookie, c’est comme passer une journée à écouter Ecchi parler des armes à feu dans les FPS, c’est pas la joie ! D’instinct, vous vous décidez donc à cliquer sur ce cookie géant.
*clic*
Là, soudain, vous vous retrouvez avec un cookie et c’est alors que la magie opère. Après ce premier clic, vous savez que vous êtes perdus, que votre vie en ait changé à jamais, que vous êtes pris désormais un rouage de cet engrenage terrible… Vous êtes devenu un producteur de cookies.
PAS DE BRAS, PAS DE CHOCOLAT !
En général, la première heure de jeu est en général la plus chiante (mais comme il s’agit de votre première partie, vous ne vous en rendez pas compte, trop fasciné par ce cookie géant et tous ces +1 qui vole au dessus de lui à chaque clic). Une force mystique vous empêche de changer d’onglet, vos yeux sont rivés sur ce cookie, votre doigt a trouvé un rythme régulier et clique sans cesse et sans faiblir sur votre souris pour pouvoir débloquer les premières améliorations. Les premières sont très simples à débloquer car quelques dizaines de clics suffisent. Mais vous vous rendrez compte rapidement du piège qui s’est refermé sur vous… Tout cela à cause du charisme mystérieux de ce p*t**n de cookie géant de l’enfer.
CLIQUE SALOPE, CLIQUE !
Au début, vous serez plus efficaces en cliquant qu’en attendant que cela augmente automatiquement. Et il faudra patienter au minimum 30 minutes pour que votre production automatique devienne enfin rentable (si vous vous êtes bien débrouillé) et vous permette enfin de vous remettre à travailler. Car oui, si dans le jeu, tout se monnaie à l’aide de cookies, dans la vraie vie, faut quand même penser à ramener des sous-sous dans la po-poche à la maison. Et pour ça, il faut bosser et ne jamais, ô grand jamais lancer ce jeu au travail. Sous peine de perdre toute votre productivité (à part celle des cookies mais bon…).
Chaque amélioration, chaque achat coûtera de plus en plus cher à tel point que rapidement, il faudra débourser des sommes astronomiques de cookies. Mais quand on aime, on clique et on dépense. Cependant, au bout d’un certain moment, on verra que le jeu n’est pas encore parfait puisque certains achats ne seront plus très rentables à partir d’un certain moment tandis que d’autres qui ne l’étaient pas beaucoup au début deviennent totalement indispensables. Heureusement que parfois apparaissent des cookies spéciaux sur lesquels il faut cliquer et qui permettent de multiplier votre production pendant un court laps de temps.
LA FAIM DANS LE MONDE N’EXISTE PLUS
Mais depuis, tout le monde est devenu obèse et diabétique. Avec ma production de plusieurs milliards de cookies à la seconde, je peux me vanter de pouvoir nourrir chaque être humain de cette planète en raison de 3 cookies par jour. Et puis en plus si je quitte la page, je ne perds plus rien. Car il y a eu de nombreuses mises à jour depuis Août 2013. Vous pouvez désormais sauvegarder votre partie (même si une sauvegarde automatique le fait déjà toutes les 60 secondes). Vous pouvez même exporter votre sauvegarde (comme ce que j’ai fait pour cette critique avant de tout remettre à 0), importer voire même faire un reset (en choisissant de conserver ou non vos achievements). Avec la dernière mise à jour (celle de Nowel), des rennes traversent l’écran et permettent de gagner des bonus de cookies non négligeables si on clique dessus.
Cookie Clicker est un jeu à ne mettre entre les mains de personne, ou de tout le monde justement. Addictif à souhait, à la portée de tous (à partir du moment où l’on a une connexion Internet), mis à jour constamment, c’est un petit péché mignon que l’on lance au départ par curiosité et qui tourne ensuite à chaque redémarrage d’ordinateur. Si un jour, Kenneth et Ruth Graves Wakefield avaient imaginé qu’ils créeraient une arme de destruction massive, ils auraient réfléchi à deux fois avant d’inventer le cookie. Certaines rumeurs supposeraient même qu’une version serait actuellement en attente pour le service Greenlight de Steam et ça, c’est presque une bonne nouvelle. En attendant, je vais devoir me remettre au sport.
Oui j’ai cliqué et je clique encore ! Connaissez-vous un groupe de soutien pour la désintox ? S’il vous plaît, j’ai besoin d’aide !!!! XD
Aucune initiative n’a été prise à l’heure actuelle pour créer un centre de désintox réservé aux accros du cookie. Le gouvernement fait en plus semblant de ne rien voir mais il sait, il sait ce qu’il se passe même dans les plus hautes sphères. Et il sait en plus qu’il est si simple de se procurer des cookies.
Mais peut être que le mouvement « Manif pour tous sauf pour les accros du cookie » feront avancer les choses. En tout cas, on l’espère. En attendant, nous ne pouvons que prier pour vous et votre guérison de cette terrible addiction.
Cordialement,
K.W, ancien junkie du cookie
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